


Coach Sylvester's Heart (She Doesn't Have One)

by lavenderlotion



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coach Sylvester has a heart, Crack, Cute boys, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, New Relationship, Sue has a heart, pure fluff, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 08:38:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12339249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderlotion/pseuds/lavenderlotion
Summary: Sue Sylvester, despite not having a heart, found Porcelain Lady Hummel worming his way inside. The woman didn't care for much, but she took care of the few things she did.or; the fic where sue gets kurt a boyfriend that ends up working out really well.or; the crackiest crack i have ever written





	Coach Sylvester's Heart (She Doesn't Have One)

Sue Sylvester would be the first to admit that she, in fact, did not have a heart. Fortunately she’d ran into some medical trouble a few years earlier and had to have it removed, replacing it with what she could not legally name as alien technology. Of course that had never stopped her, and she made she it was known she was running off Area 51 experiments. She did not have a heart, and she had gone through several years of exposure therapy to train emotions like  _ sympathy _ and  _ compassion _ out of her. She did not care for others and her life - and cheer squad - were better for it. 

There was however, her sister. Sue would always care for Jean, had made sure she kept just the smallest amount of feeling left within herself to do so. And it had been like that for years now. No one had  _ ever _ came across and pulled at her - literally - nonexistent heart. Well no one  _ had _ . Up until Porcelain Lady Hummel pranced into her gym and won her another Nationals competition, all while seamlessly integrating himself into her Cheerios, garnering respect and fondness from her girls. He had  _ also _ put up with her temper, matching her wit but instinctively knowing when to back down. He would take the brunt of her frustrations in stride and she’d watched many girls thank him for his selfless bravery.

So, despite her lack of heart or genuine emotions she found herself … fond of the boy. He did remind her gently of Jean - his unwavering strength in the face of so, so much hatred. It was impressive how he could have freezing slush thrown into his face and still manage to glare down the jock doing so. Or how he kept up an impressive commentary of insults as he was hefted into dumpsters. Or how he continuously stood after being shoved into the unrelenting metal of the hallway-lined lockers. 

So Sue decided he deserved something nice. She couldn’t help but notice that the boy was so obviously gay. If the fit of his jeans wasn’t enough, there was the hairspray can in his locker, his unchallenged flexibility and amazingly clear, high voice. Sue had also noticed a severe lack of man on his sweet, delicate arms, despite that curvature of his ass. 

It wasn’t as though Sue encouraged her Cheerios to have relations, but it always helped to keep power within the family, so to speak. Sue had no problems with her girls dating among the football team - as long as it was never second string players. And sure, she would occasionally permit her lower ranking girls to go after the Basketball and Baseball teams, but her tops girls? Her top girls deserved the best of what the McKinley High Football team had to offer. 

And Porcelain was her best  _ gay _ , so clearly he deserved  _ more _ than just the best. Someone as strong as he, as self assured. There was only one boy ‘badass’ enough - and with thick enough biceps - to handle someone like her Porcelain and keep up.

* * *

Puck was just trying to sneak in a little study time. Ever since baby-gate went down and he realized he was going to be a  _ father _ , he decided to get his shit together. He was still cleaning pools, but he’d stopped sleeping around for tips and instead began offering his services as a landscaper to make up the difference. Sure the work was harder but he could charge more - so it more than made up the difference of cutting off his MILF’s. 

Aside from that he’d also been, like, attending class and shit. If he had known school had been so easy he’d probably have done it from the beginning. Puck wasn’t sure if he was just like, secretly a genius, or if McKinley just had really crap teachers - but he was having an easy go of this ‘getting good grades’ shit. It also probably helped that Hummel had offered to help him. 

_ That _ had been a surprise. Apparently the kid hadn’t been as caught up with Finn as everyone thought, since he’d been the only one to approach Puck when all the baby shit went down. Sure, he hadn’t really expected anyone to take his side, but it was fuckin’ nice that someone did, even if it was Hummel. Besides Hummel was super smart and sang like a chick. Which was cool.

Puck had just been trying to finish his last math question when he felt an all too familiar cold chill run up his back. He sighed, already dreading what was about to happen even as he heard Coach Sylvester’s voice ring out in the empty auditorium.

“Listen up least obvious Jew,” Coach said, her voice low and demanding, “You have the honour of doing a personal job for one Coach Sue Sylvester, the Great and Mighty.” 

Puck just nodded, fully aware that even  _ his _ badassery was no match for the woman before him, “I’ve chosen you  _ personally _ for this task, and you better not think of denying me, rat tail hairdue. You know my best gay Porcelain, don’t you?”

“Yes Coach,”

“Good. You get to be his boyfriend.” Puck just blinked up at the woman before him, not quite sure if she knew what she was saying, “That’s right, you heard me. My sweet, sweet fair skinned lady is lonely and  _ you _ are going to make sure he never feels that way again.”

Puck titled his head to the side, considering. Hummel  _ was _ kind of cool. When he smiled at Puck it was always real, not fake like his ‘friends’. Also he was already helping Puck with like, all his classes, so obviously the other boy didn’t hate him. Plus Puck had seen the national performance and the dude was flexible as  _ fuck _ . Not to mention his Cheerio sweats hugged his ass in all the best ways, putting him in the top three of his  _ ‘juiciest asses’ _ list at the school, if not at the top. His lips were pretty too, big and red and they’d probably look real good wrapped around the Puckasaurus. 

So Puck just shrugged and nodded. He could definitely do  _ worse _ that Hum- er  _ Kurt _ . 

“Very good decision, Hudson wannabe.” Puck winced a little, the insult hitting just a little too close to home, though he only had a moment to think before he was being yelled at, “Well what are you waiting for! Get a move on!”

* * *

Kurt had no idea what was happening. 

He’d been eating lunch at the Cheerio table - it was mandatory. Seriously it was in their contracts - enjoying the easy acceptance he has being given. It had taken the girls a while to warm up, but after having most of the top squad members over for movies and fat-free frozen yogurt combined with some (much needed) skin care advice, he had quickly became a valued member. Add that to the way he seemed to be able to keep Coach calm - simply he remained unaffected at the height of her evil - and the girls had quickly taken him in. 

It was nice, to be so easily accepted. Plus he was untouchable in his uniform. He hadn’t been slushied, dumpster tossed or locker shoved since he joined the squad. The uniform was like Neanderthal repellent and he’d never felt safer at school. Even with the few jocks sitting at the table - boyfriends only - he didn’t feel at all threatened. In fact he’d been slowly developing friendships with the more permanent boys as well, those who were in solid and steady relationships. He liked them, and felt sick glee when they came to him for relationship advice. 

So he was used to seeing the few Letterman jackets around the table, the red and white a familiar sight now. He wasn’t used to those jackets wrapping around him, sidling up close to his side. Kurt watched wide eyed as Noah Puckerman straddled the bench beside him, arm wrapping warm around his waist as Puck opened his legs wider, tugging Kurt closer to his body. The smaller boy shivered when Puck whispered  _ ‘hey princess’ _ low in his ear, and he all but moaned when he felt hot breath against his neck. 

He turned his head, glare at the ready as he looked over, though not moving away from the warmth of the bigger boys body, “Puckerman, what in the  _ hell _ do you think you’re doing.” 

The boy was undeterred however, and instead smirked - and dear Gucci wasn’t that hot - before he said, “How ‘bout you let me take you on a date to say thank you?”

“What exactly are you thanking me for?”

“Tutoring me, baby,” Puck smirked, but Kurt was unimpressed. He simply raised a - perfectly sculpted - brow at the other boy and watched in fascination as the smirk dropped. The taller boy dropped his head a little, a flush taking over his ears and the base of his neck before he looked back up, his expression more open and honest than Kurt had ever seen and the glock quietly said, “You were the only one who made sure I was okay.”

Kurt watched Puck shrug it off, but he could see that it was a big deal. Kurt had always thought the boy in front of him had potential. He wasn’t sure if the other remembered, but Noah Puckerman had been Kurt’s first friend in kindergarten. While others clearly avoided Kurt, little Noah had came up, curly hair bouncing and said he liked Kurt’s bowtie. It had, at the time, been life changing, and Kurt had made his first friend. He was sure the taller boy had forgotten, but it hadn’t mattered. Kurt would forever hold that moment close. 

“Noah,” Kurt said, raising a brow when the boy went to say something about the name, “If you’re serious, you better be willing to put in work.”

“You got it Princess,” Noah said willingly, nodding along with a small smile. Kurt smiled as well, nodding to himself before trailing a hand up the boys large,  _ large _ bicep to wrap around his shoulder, hauling him forward by the back of the neck. He kissed the boy softly at first, then nipped hard the boys lower lip before sucking it into his mouth, letting his hand fall to rest high on the boys strong thigh, squeezing the muscle softly even after he pulled back. 

“Damn Princess,” Noah muttered, smiling softly down at Kurt. Kurt himself just beamed, wrapping Puck’s arm more securely around his waist and settling himself against the boy's chest.

“Hmm, what would you like for lunch tomorrow?” Kurt asked quietly, assuming the self proclaimed badass wouldn't want anyone else to realize what Kurt had, that the boy never brought any food to school and that most of his clothes were second hand (either that or Puck  _ purposely _ bought year old jeans - you just can’t get that type of natural wear and tear from a machine). 

“Whatever you’re making, baby.” Puck answered, pressing a kiss into Kurt’s hair, his smile big as he pulled the shorter boy closer. 

Kurt sighed into the warmth, looking up to see only warm smiles directed at him from his fellow girls and the few other sport-playing guys at his table. 

Yeah, Kurt was having a good year.

**Author's Note:**

> alrighty then. no idea where this came from, at ALL loll. But i might actually add more to this, so we'll see LOL! I haven't decided if this is going to be chapter one, and if it's going to be continued, or if i'll be leaving it as a one shot. We'll have to see!!  
> this fic is trash, tbh. it is crack, pure pure crack. it's not even that late, hardly midnight but apparently this is what my sleep deprived brain wanted to come out with. I know, I am also confused. my apologies, LOL  
> sigh, I do hope you like!
> 
> brandileeder.tumblr.com


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